I’m one to plan. I like to know where I am going and when. I want to know the route, and what time we will arrive. I hate being late. Now don't get me wrong, I do like a bit of spontaneity. Taking a new way to work, trying a new restaurant, sleeping in with no alarm clock, and changing plans “just because.” Spontaneity, however, should not come at the cost of being late, hurting someone's feelings, or losing a ton of money. Essentially, I believe in the freedom to make and change plans, as long as it doesn’t disappoint. Easy.
However, actual life is not predictable. Life fluctuates. The world spins, and so do our schedules. I try to make plans, but things fall through. People cancel. Dates change. It snows. I catch a horrible cold. Life, generally, gets in the way. I want to ride it, ride the wave of what this life might bring, but I can’t help tensing against what is, and resenting it. I judge the what is, and then judge myself for judging it. The lovely cycle of judgment.
I’ve been thinking a lot about accepting what is. I’ve watched youtube clips of famous “experts” (stop the judgy eye roll ... I OWN my choice of viewer content) and they say we ought to “accept where we are at, right now, without judgement.” Lovely sentiment, but not easy. The cycle of judgment is far, far, far easier for me. I judge what is and prefer what should be.
So, what do I do? As I wait, for confirmation of a job, and a flight, both of which I have canceled other confirmed plans in order to accept this offered job. I'm in limbo land. I'm riding the uncertain wave, and I'm feeling tense. I could plan my life so much better, than how life actually goes. Couldn’t we all?
My realization is this: I’m far better at rejection than acceptance. I say no, far easier than yes. Not on the outside, I'm very able to say yes to a party, to a new shade of lipstick, to teaching job in a school I don't know. I am very social and love new experiences. But when it comes to myself, the internal me, I say no all the time. Especially if the picture of how my life should be contradicts what is, then it is a resounding "NO." I think this is what we've created in our Instagram world: "Look how wonderful my life is," but inside we feel like a fraud. Unless, we believe our own Facebook hype, which might be worse, as it's always in comparison to others and their lives. How can we let go of the SHOULD and embrace the IS?
So this is my plan, I am going to study acceptance and rejection in my own life. Not whether others accept or reject me, but rather when and how I do it to myself. When do I reject what is? I’m most interested in what I say to myself, and how my body responds, especially my breath and my voice. Who knows what, exactly, I will learn, but I am curious.
Life is unpredictable and not always easy, nor should it be; I am just beginning to come to terms with this. A good girl expects good behaviour will beget a good life, untrue. Before I left on my journey to London, I had a dream that a huge wave was coming and all I could do was stand and watch it hit the shore. I can't stop the wave. The only thing I can do is to choose to let it take me. Hopefully, I've mastered the skill of surfing or my feet are planted firm. Ultimately, we have no choice in actually living what is, but we do have a, moment to moment, choice in accepting it. Whatever that looks like.