Staying proactive when you’re tired is really difficult. I have this dream for the life I want, and yet no one is handing it to me (I do wish they would). So everyday I go to work and then when I return home I need to take steps to create. Create the life I want. Create the me I want to be. Create something when all I want to do is turn on the TV and veg out. So this is what I’m doing. It’s just after 7PM and I’m tired. So I am writing. Writing with no clear objective. I know I’m complaining right now, and so my whining writing is, in itself, my objective. Believe me, I know that any mother would like to shove this single woman in the gob for whining, especially when I complain about being tired. I get it, but I am tired. I am very tired.
One of the biggest lies I have believed is that life should be easy. Of course, effort is a good thing, but once you put in a bit of elbow grease - “Wham bam! things will work out!” (or they should). The trouble is that in life, some things just haven’t come all that easily, and yes, some other things have. So does the fact that some things don’t come easy mean that they aren’t meant for me? I then begrudge the fabulous women I meet who appear to have those exact things I yearn for, which ultimately isn’t fair to me or them. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in hard work. More often than not, I am guilty of working harding than I need to in certain areas, but there’s always this nagging suspicion that life “should be” easier, and if it’s not - what the hell does that mean? I then begin to fear that it is a sign that I should give up and go home (literally). The trouble with disappointment is blame. Blame someone or something for the disappointment. I tend to blame myself or blame God. Either option makes me want to quit and give up. Does one live half the life that comes with ease, or continue to pursue the things that feel so allusive and maybe I will never achieve? I don’t know. I’m in the midst of this struggle.
I remember the story in the Bible of Jacob wrestling with the angel (or it could've been God Himself). Jacob is a guy who schemed and conned his way into the birthright blessing from his father, a blessing that wasn’t his in the first place. He was the second born twin, and so the birthright was not his. He was also not his father’s favourite. But here he is, years later alone in a strange place, and a stranger appears and they wrestle it out. Jacob informs this miraculous being that he will hang on to him until he gets a blessing. I’ve always admired Jacob’s tenacity in that moment, or maybe it was just simple desperation. I don’t know, but that’s how I feel. I feel like I’ve schemed and manoeuvred myself into position because I don’t believe I will be chosen any other way. Maybe that’s the problem, I, like Jacob, feel like second best. The underdog. The one who has to scrape his way at every turn. So when God appears, I think I need to wrestle Him for the blessing. I wonder what would have happened if he had just asked for the blessing in the first place. Would he have still attempted to put this angel in a headlock? So that’s where I am at right now. This is my big time wrestling match. I’m in the presence of God and I’m asking for a blessing, and I won’t let him go until I get one.