Fear is hard. Fear is something I am oh so familiar with. I have a deep seated fear of losing everything. The fear of loss is something that has made me hang on to things I probably should have let go of a long time ago. I hate the word fear so much, that even typing it here makes me feel it. It's like it is "he who must not be named." My own personal Voldemort. Pretend it doesn't exist, even when I am in internal agony, because using my voice to admit it seems too damn scary.
The fear is so deeply rooted. It's root system connects to my heart and squeezes. My breath gets shallow and my stomach clenches. When I am super stressed, I don't eat. It's like the thought of food makes me want to vomit. I literally make myself smaller with the absence of food. I want to scrunch myself around my clenched heart and disappear. That is what fear is to me. Fear makes me smaller. Fear is pain. Fear is something that tells me that I am alone, and I will lose the world around me if I am not careful.
I have this side to me that says, "JUMP!" Jump and leap. Grab what you want and run. Stop asking for permission. "F**k you!" To those who say I can't or I shouldn't. You don't have the right to tell me who or what I am capable of. I am brave. I am a warrior princess. I am capable of the world. YES to everything!
That's what we like to hear.
What is reality? What is being wise? We have to get up and go to a job, in spite of a desperate desire to sleep in. I need to work. I have to work to live.
So here's the rub: How do we navigate the uncertainty of the leap, with the certainty of real life needs?
I don't know.
I'm in the middle of the leap. I had a bit of a safety net. A nice bouncy, yet comfy net that I am very thankful for. I lived in the comfort of this net for years. I was comfy, yet miserable. I looked out and saw people doing things I wanted to do, and I felt trapped in this comfy net. So I decided to jump out, but I made things work so that the net would be there if I needed it. My back up plan would be to shift course and jump into the comfy net, if the thing I leapt towards disappeared. However, in the midst of the leap, I was told that my leap may be short lived and that I may have to bounce back "from whence I came." However, when I looked over to my safety net, I saw that it was starting to vanish. Too much time has been spent away from it. As my trusty net dissolves, the good news is that those who are in charge of the paperwork surrounding my leap, have given me a second chance to fight for the legitimacy of the leap.
Do I fight, allow the safety net to vanish entirely, and risk being rejected? And even if I'm accepted, it's only a short term solve. Or do I just cut my leap short, and go back to the safety net before it disappears completely? Allow it to wrap it's comfy netting around me and give me the security I have lost.
This is where I am at. It is so uncertain and I feel like my heart is squeezed. I am so uncomfortable. The discomfort of the squeeze makes me feel so tired and all I want to do is disappear into my bed.
I know I am a brave person, but I feel the fear of loss. Apparently there is "juice" inside this squeeze (thank you Tara Brach). I'm hoping the juice will show itself soon, because I need something to water my clenched heart. All I can do right now is admit it, and give voice to my struggle. Fear and shame only grow when we cover it up and pretend it doesn't exist. Like Harry Potter, he spoke the name of Voldemort when others dare not. So I am using my voice to say, "I'm Jade and I'm scared right now. I fear loss. Here's the thing....I do know that you can only gain everything when you let go and stop clinging to the safety net. I just wish it were easier.